45 ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’ Quotes To Get You In The Spirit
“We’re gonna have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes on this side of the nuthouse.” -Clark
“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” -Ellen
“Merry Christmas! Shitter was full!” -Eddie
“And why is the carpet all wet, TODD?” -Margo “I don’t know, MARGO.” -Todd
“Save the neck for me, Clark.” -Eddie
“It’s the Christmas star. And that’s all that matters tonight. Not bonuses or gifts or turkeys or trees. See kids, it means something different to everybody. Now I know what it means to me.” -Clark.
“Wouldn’t be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren’t any less hooter than – HOTTER than they are.” -Clark
“Hurry up, Clark. I’m freezing my baguettes off.” – Art
“Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.” -Clark
“Is your house on fire, Clark?” -Aunt Bethany
“It’s not going in our yard, Russ. It’s going in our living room.” -Clark
“Clark, Audrey’s frozen from the waist down.” -Ellen
“We’re not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad?” -Audrey “No, I have one of those at home.” -Clark
“Hey Griswold, where do you think you’re gonna put a tree that big?” -Todd “Bend over and I’ll show you.” -Clark
“You set standards that no family can live up to.”- Ellen
“We’re kicking off our fun, old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.” -Clark.
“I’m sorry, this is our family’s first kidnapping.” -Ellen
“Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah.” -Clark.
“If you need any help, just give me a holler, I’ll be upstairs, asleep.” -Grandpa Clark
“Where do you think you’re going? Nobody’s leaving. Nobody’s walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas! No! NO! We’re all in this together!” -Clark
“The older boy, bless his soul, is preparing for his career.” -Eddie “College?” -Clark “Carnival.” -Eddie. “You gotta be proud.” -Clark
“Dad, didn’t they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn’t have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste an entire Saturday?” -Rusty
“Oh, the silent majesty of a winter’s morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.” -Clark.
“You about ready to do some kissin?” -Eddie
“Looks great. Little full, lotta sap.” -Clark.
“I hope nobody I know drives by and sees me standing in the yard staring at the house in my pajamas.” -Audrey “If they know your dad, they won’t think anything of it.” -Art
“Christmas is about resolving differences and seeing through the petty problems of family life.” – Clark
“Are you out here for a reason, or are you just avoiding the family?” -Ellen
“Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?” – Clark.
“That’s somethin’, ain’t it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don’t know.” -Eddie
“If you’re good, Santa knows it. And if you believe in him, and you believe in your mom and you believe in your dad – if you’ve been good all year round, Santa Claus is going to bring you something.” -Clark
“Mom? This box is meowing.” -Rusty
“Hey kids, I heard on the news that an airline pilot spotted Santa’s sled on its way in from New York.” -Clark “You serious, Clark?” -Eddie
“I dedicate this house to the Griswold Family Christmas.” -Clark
“It’s a one-year membership in the jelly-of-the-month club.”-Clark “Clark, that’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.” -Eddie “That it is Edward.” -Clark
“Whoa, geez! Look at the time. I gotta get to bed – and brush my teeth, feed the hog, do the laundry, wash the car, still got some homework to do.” -Rusty
“Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?” -Clark
“Do you sleep with your brother? Do you know how sick and twisted that is?” -Audrey “Well I’m sleeping with your father.” -Ellen
“My cousin-in-law, whose heart is bigger than his brain…” -Clark. “I appreciate that.” -Eddie. “…is innocent.” -Clark.
“I don’t want to spend the holidays dead.” -Ellen
“Well I’m gonna park the cars and get the suitcases and well, I’ll be outside for the season.” -Clark
“Every time Catherine would turn on the microwave, I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.” -Eddie
