Being emotionally unavailable means that you are unavailable to your own emotions, and the emotions of others. Maybe you avoid or withdraw when emotions present themselves. So what does being emotionally unavailable look like? Below are seven tell-tale signs that you might be emotionally unavailable.
You’re conflict avoidant
Conflict is not fun for anyone, and there are many reasons why someone may want to avoid engaging in conflict, especially if they associate conflict with abuse, chaos or a lack of safety. It’s in these situations that you learn emotions are unsafe. But repeated conflict avoidance might be a sign of emotional unavailability. Conflict can be a good opportunity to become connected deeper with your partner, and learn of each other’s pain and past.
You’re always “fine” or unbothered
If you’re always saying things like “I’m fine” or “don’t worry about it” when you’re not actually fine and there is something that upset or bothered you, it’s a good sign that you are struggling to go there. You’d rather pretend that things are fine to keep the peace instead of sharing how you really feel and trusting that there’s room for your emotions.
You struggle to be vulnerable
Maybe you share high level facts about yourself, but you struggle to totally open up with trusted people in your life and tell them about your fears, doubts and insecurities. You’d rather talk about things unrelated to you or keep the focus on someone else rather than yourself. Or maybe you’re a good storyteller but avoid connecting to the real feeling connected to your story. Struggling to be vulnerable is a sign that you don’t trust yourself or the other person with the emotions that exist.
You’re non-committal or choose partners who are non-committal
This is a good way to protect yourself from needing to be connected to your emotions. If you’re non-committal or your choose a partner who is, you don’t have to be as emotionally available for one another or yourself. Keeping it casual is a great way to avoid opening up to the deep emotions and avoid having to peel back those real layers.
You have a hard time empathizing
It’s hard to empathize with others if you haven’t spent time connecting to your own emotional experience with compassion, curiosity, and gentleness. It’s hard to hold space for others when you don’t hold space for yourself. And it can be really confronting to connect emotionally with another when you’re not ready to feel your own emotions.
You get overwhelmed and/or stressed when someone wants to share or get emotionally deep with you
Perhaps it’s a partner who would like to talk about something painful that’s happening in their lives. Maybe it’s a friend who is confiding in you about a challenge they’re confronting. You might feel emotionally disconnected in the conversation, noticing that you’re checked out, or feeling emotionally distant as you listen. You might rush the conversation, start thinking about other things, or respond in ways that attempt to change the subject.
You withhold how you’re feeling
You might notice sensations in your body when you’re having an emotional experience, but rather than tuning in and getting curious, you tune out and disconnect from what’s happening. Maybe you don’t like how someone spoke to you, changed a plan last minute, or did something that hurt you, but rather than expressing it, you bury it and keep it inside.
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