We’re all familiar with people-pleasing. But what’s lesser-known and discussed is such behaviors that the people-pleasing may be symptomatic of: fawning, a traumatic stress response.
“Fawning,” a term dubbed by Pete Walker, a psychotherapist who wrote Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, describes appeasing others while repressing one’s own feelings, thoughts, and needs. According to Pete, this is an adaptive behavior that most likely develops during childhood in order to stay attached to caregivers who may have been critical, controlling, dismissive, emotionally distant, stressed, or abusive.
In adulthood, fawning can lead to poor boundaries, perfectionism, resentment, and potentially chronic disease. If you’re a fawner, it’s not your fault. Fawning is not a choice so much as it is an automatic nervous system response to stress – the threat of being disconnected. The good news is that we can rewire our brains and generate new ways of being and belonging now. Here’s how.
Decide who you want to be and how you want to show up
Because fawners are typically sensitive to other people’s emotions, they can be less attentive to their own. Take time to go within and consider what you really, really want. How do you want to feel? When you’re at your best and happiest, who are you?
Set microdose boundaries
Boundaries aren’t only about saying no. Sometimes, they’re more about saying yes to what’s important – your vision of who you want to be. It can appear scary to set boundaries, so try to microdose. Begin small by practicing with people you feel comfortable with in low-stake situations. Also, consider delaying your agreeability. When you get a request, ask for time to think about it by saying, “Thanks for asking me. Can I get back to you later? I want to check my schedule.” This gives you space to make a conscious decision.
Complete your stress cycle
Fawners often don’t even realize they’re having a stress response. In fact, the body may be so chronically stressed that it feels normal. Consider what physical strategies support you in switching off your sympathetic nervous system (fight-or-flight response) and turning on your parasympathetic nervous system (rest-and-digest mode). Exercise, breathing, nature walks, hanging with friends, petting animals, and laughing help signal your body that you’re safe. When it comes to stress, we can’t just tell ourselves that it’s okay. We have to embody it.
Work with someone
Fawning is a stress response that stems from trauma. Trauma occurs when you go through an overwhelming or hard time and are left to deal with it alone. The answer is togetherness. Our nervous systems are constantly in dialogue with one another. Working with a therapist or coach who is trained in this area can help you feel safe in dislodging old patterns while creating new ways of being.
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