Whether at work, friendship, or in love, first impressions matter. And the question, “Will this person like me?” is a valid one. Studies prove it: we underestimate our ability to please. This process is thanks to a lack of self-esteem, which creates a fear of being judged by others, which interferes with the way we perceive ourselves.
If approaching a stranger is scary to you, leaving with fear in your stomach isn’t likely to soften the blow. On the contrary: approaching someone convinced they won’t like you is likely to lead to the dreaded outcome. Why? Because we will tend to be more suspicious, therefore closed off, and this will be reflected in our speech and body language.
To get rid of this negative belief that destroys our way of approaching others, there is a very beneficial concept to know: the prophecy of acceptance.
If someone expects to be accepted, they will behave warmly, which will make others like them. If they expect to be rejected, they will behave colder and possibly even defensively, which will make them less accepted. Basically, this is the acceptance prophecy.
In 2009, a study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin confirmed that our expectations often create the acceptance or rejection they anticipate. According to its authors, interpersonal warmth is the key to the prophecy of acceptance. To connect with others, we must approach them without fear, with casualty and warmth.
The issue is that sometimes we have difficulties speaking in public, due to shyness or because of social pressure that we rightly or wrongly perceive. “These people believe, for example, that they absolutely must avoid stumbling over a word, or that they must captivate their entire audience at all times,” explains Chloe Foster, a clinical psychologist at the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma in London.
In cases like this, the solution is to work on building self-esteem and self-confidence, especially since both are essential in certain mental disorders, especially those of an anxious or depressive nature.
To increase self-esteem, experts suggest reducing the need to seek approval based on physical appearance as much as possible and focusing on embracing your own values and unique characteristics. Self-confidence is a long and difficult journey that involves identifying your strengths and weaknesses and working to strengthen them.
In clinical psychology, we can identify our strengths and weaknesses using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Created in 1943 by behavioral psychologist Abraham Maslow, it allows us to prioritize the fundamental needs of individuals, so that they can be fully recognized. Beginning with physiological needs such as the air we breathe and the food we eat, it is possible to identify, and the try to satisfy, the needs for security, love, belonging and self-esteem, in order to feel as complete and confident as possible.
When we believe we have value, we are more accepted because we appear more likeable. This is the prophecy of acceptance: a cognitive stance that creates plentiful and pleasant exchanges. We call it a “prophecy” because, like the predictions of seers and other witches in myths, it activates a mechanism in those who internalize it that leads to a result. In other words, it alters the person’s judgment in a positive or negative way and leads them to make choices accordingly.
Convincing yourself that you will be liked and never doubting yourself has positive connections in relationships with others, where various dynamics come into play: self-esteem, motivation, feeling of control in a given context. In other words, people who know they are pleasant and who see the value they bring to a conversation are more engaging, welcoming and interesting to the person they are speaking with. On the other hand, those who do not feel up to a conversation because they perceive themselves as inferior to their counterpart, or less attractive, will not be remembered.
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